Who am I?

January 1
Everyone is saying "new year new me" and I think that's great, having goals is wonderful! However all I could think about was the past year and all the tribulation and anxiety I had felt for 85% of it. I tried to hide it but the only person I hid it from was myself. Up and down and up then down, it drove me to madness. Literally. I looked at a picture of myself from new years eve and I didn't even recognize myself. I only saw a girl who looked completely lost yet again. How had I gotten back to this place? Only this time I know the Lord and he has equipped me with discernment. I'm just not quite that good with it yet but I am ever grateful. I gave my life to the Lord only a short time ago and he completely rocked my world. I was on such a high walking so close to him. I feel blessed that he would love ME enough to talk to me the way he does. I was a tourist in Hawaii with God and never wanted to leave but somehow in the midst of thinking that I was really walking with him I strayed. I didn't even realize it until last night For months I have been begging, crying, arguing, yelling, and fighting for direction. I was getting nothing. My own mind hindering growth in its anxiety filled,  overly analytical nature. Not on purpose, I mean I had been living my entire life in this mindset. I had always handled things on my own. For 29 years my own mind has been my biggest enemy. I've been hating myself and that's not an easy thing to say. Point of the story is, I finally had a breakthrough last night while in the shower (God knows its the only place I don't have a pen or a phone to distract me). This grand idea came to me - Get to know who your real self. So I decided I would spend the next days, weeks, months, whatever doing just that. I'd get off the phone and go do things that I enjoy, and try new things. I would spend time alone with myself and actually enjoy it for once. I break down at the thought of getting away from my father after all he has done and shown. I repent and thank him all day for saving me yet again. Today I chose a simple task that I enjoy, I chose to be happy and to embrace my friends with the love I truly bear for them. And that's exactly what they gave me in return. I couldn't ask for more.

Sideways on the hill

I say this with the upmost truth as I have come to know it to be:

WE ARE ALL BROKEN

Every single one of us can think of a time we've had our heart broken, you can still feel the twinge of pain right? Yes every situation is different but the pain is the same. Through this last year of being single I have acquired my best friends and they taught me the hardest yet best lesson.

We get to choose how the pain affects us.

Believe there was a time when I would've hated someone for saying this. How cliche right?  Fast forward to now - pride ridden or attempting to be - I believe this statement to be vitally true.
I'm not saying don't be sad, but after watching many friends battle with depression and realizing that I myself was also I wanted to break the cycle. Depression will steal your life and your loved ones life.
I learned that hearts can be healed through the Lord, it doesn't happen overnight thankfully his peace is abounding. You can only take so many sleepless night before your body begins to revolt against you. And let me tell you, single at 29 I need my body to cooperate!
It's also okay to be angry for a while just remember who you're mad at. Do not become a snapping turtle.... snap and hermit. I existed in that circle for several years. Its lonely and pointless.  If you do find yourself in this, the best advice I can give is to get outside. I swear!! Nature works wonders, tell me two squirrels chasing each other doesn't make you smile. I'll wait.
Honestly, I just dont want the enemy staeling or lying to the people I love anymore. During a recent sermon I heard, the pastor asked a very simple question:

How does Satan keep tricking you?
Seems kind of silly but think about it? For me the answer was so blatantly clear I just had never thought about it. Once you begin to recognize patterns through healing (which I say again is not always easy) you can begin to deny the enemies lies. I believed his lies for 28 years because I thought they were truths, I'm ugly, stupid, dirty and a drunk. Why change now no one will ever love you.Well guess what Jesus does and NOTHING can top that. So remember you'll always be broken, we're human but keep fighting through it and knowing with all your heart that Jesus has your back even when you lay alone night after night........... oh sorry lol. I'm just kidding, I trust his plan but I do admit to being impatient.

Sidenote:
I've been on a Mad Men binge and I'm completely obssesed. I apologize now if I begin to use outdtaed terms such as swell..... its  not my fault, it's Don Draper.

Caffeine and Fasting

After 3 cups of Dunkin Donuts turbo I began to have some revelations, 1: this stuff is as close to crack cocaine as I'll ever get 2: I feel awesome 3: somehow I'm thinking clearly but really fast (well faster than normal) 4: I feel the urge to sing loudly 5: I'v written about 3 maniacal poems in 10 minutes. I'll share them with you all at the end of this mad story. I tend to be a bit Alice in Wonderland and today thats excatly what I would like to talk with you about. Saturday morning I wake up, move from my bed to the couch and turn on a movie. This is progress for me at 8 a.m. guys so just go with it. It's a story about a freelance writer going on escapades with his best friend "the handsome rebel"  and "the beautiful runaway" (played by K-Stew so I couldn't take it too seriously but Garrett Hedlund's looks helped the slow parrts) Anyways, these adventures are so alluring to me and I found it odd that I rented this movie because as of lately all I could think about what selling everything I own, buying a mtorcycle and just driving. First issue is of course I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all but I was going to figure it out. I can hardly write this without laughing because I'm probaby the clumsiest girl I know. Seriously one time I fell in a bar, I was completely sober and wearing wedges. Embarrassing.
Back to the story now, so I'm day dreaming about desert sunsets and reality hits me "where would I sleep?", "what do I do if its raining?", "what if a pack of coyotes chases me?" etc..... You can see my excitement quicky fading. Then it hit me, I have been so busy being unhappy and living in my head that real life never had a chance. No wonder I hide from it. How could it ever measure up to any of my fantasies? Truth is it can and more. For so long I've let my scarred past defeat a future I don't even know. I left no room for the unimaginable. I crushed my own dreams.
Well no more I say. It's time to move on. I'm building a foundation based in God's word and nothing can crush that because it is the ONLY truth. I've never had that before. The irony of it all is that I was a lost wanderer wishing to be a wanderer. You getting dizzy now? Me too, welcome to my brain.
I'll say the Lord is teaching me to be content with the present because we can't know tomorrow. I'm missing out on really living, and building relationships with real people not the ones in my head. I like those guys a lot but for now I'll see them after 10 p.m. (yes I go to bed that early). So between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. I'm here, nice to meet you all.

Poem 1 from the coffee induced mania:
"Life, the ever battle of mumbo jumbo and blues
up, dow, side to side
jumping and dancing and dying
pushing to the max, searching for the end
you will never find it my friend"

2:
"Who are you?
Why I am a traveler of course.
Traveler you say but I've known you for years
dear friend I am a traveler of life and love
 of joy, pain, sadness, excitement and passion
Passion I hope you know
burnng like a paper to a flame
fading fastly and beautifully, ashes fall around me
and I twirl in the madness of it's sting"


"

14

Fourteen months,thats how long its been since I've seen myself. Now you are probably thinking she's gone blind or she doesn't own mirrors. Some would assume the latter by my appearance at times but I do own mirrors, Im ahead of the curve okay. And I haven't literally gone blind only blind to my carnal vision. What I'm saying is that I no longer care what men think of me. I didn't go to the dark side of full on hippie-ville but its geting close. You ever notice how Jesus always looks like a hippie rocker? He's so cool. I think he's so cool that I only want to live to serve his purpose. I want to step into the destiny that he has laid out because I am  and have been doing it ALL wrong.

You ever know someone that always has outlandish stories and random things  happening to them? Insert me, smiling as its happening usually. I've learned to laugh instead of be annoyed. For some reason the most magnificently broken people are drawn to me. So I talk to them, and befriend most of them. Given that I myself have been super glued back together a few times I get it. Some of my peices got put back and some well....thats what caulk is for right? 

Back to the point, sorry my ADD is rampant tonight. What I want to say is my whole life I've been trying to be everyone but myself. I was embarrassed of my family, my home, my clothes, everything. I lived in constant fear of judgement and as I got older I learned to defer it fom myself with humor. Man, was I really good at it....... I still am hilarious btw. Somehow through all these 29.5 years in the times that I wasn't even walking with God he was still showing me who I was through others. Pretty awesome right. Thats how much he loves us.

I know so many of us fight with identity and when you get so tired that you finally give in to yourself (get it) you begin to realize how cool you really are. I got so mad one day I thought, dang I wish I would've known how cool I was back then...... haha isn't that about right. The Lord knew I was not ready for that! Took me 29 years to be ready to accept Jesus who definately gets my vote for most popular.

I just want to encourage you all to let God show you how he sees you. It is a love and freedom that is beyond words, but if I had to use one it would be : Supercalafredulistikespalladocoius (SP?)

P.S. I think I finally understand Mary Poppins now. She wasnt' on drugs all these years she just let God show her how cool she was.

The 6 Week Challenge

Starting tomorrow my boyfriend and I will be commiting to a 6-week strict Paleo plan. My hopes for this challenge for myself is to lose body fat and feel energized, my hopes for raymond is to broaden his palate and help him lose his last bit of weight. We both love dairy but that's his only vice while I however love anything sweet, crunchy and salty. I have been really good at substituting healthier versions of my beloved snacks but I find myself over consuming them as well. So I hope that by balancing our meals together we will be able to help each other stay true to our challenge. I am so lucky to have a partner that is willing to help me and is devoted to change his life with me on this journey. I hope to do my first figure competition this summer and I know by doing this challenge I will be ready. I will posting some recipes, and our meals as we go and I promise to be better about posting daily.
- Keep fighting the Good Fight <3

Tuesday Moveday

Hello to all my millions of followers....not really, maybe one. Anyways, if I can impact one person then I feel pretty darn good about that. Lately alot of my fellow co-workers have started to eat healthy and it rocks, sharing reciped and tips. Eating healthy does not taste bad and your not starving. I eat 6 small meals a day and people look at me weird for that. It wasn't till this year that I really started to focus on what I was eating and began balancing fats, complex carbs and protein. I would like to stress the importance of a food journal. It is so so important when you are monitoring what your carb and sugar intake ( I do). I try to stay at 50 net carbs and 20 grams of sugar or less. ( this can be very hard considering I have a major sweet tooth). I decided to not let the donuts control anymore, they are evil temptresses tasting all good and making you look bad. Just stay away from me all of ya, brownies, cookies, cake, etc.... I know you all can do this, we all have our days when we slip up but don't let it get you down. Move on, start over and measure your inches once a week. Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Weekend Comfort

Sorry I have been absent since Tuesday, it has been a busy week! I have been training pretty had and staying on track with the diet. I upped my protein intake this week and it has made a huge diference energy wise.I also like to have a protein shake for snacks, I mix mine with coconut or almond milk. Its easy and fast. I went to the track for my walk training today and it was pretty chilly outside. This is after I had trained at the YMCA center across from my house ( I normally train in Tyler after work) so just have to take what you can get sometimes. I attempted to do sprints on the treadmill but after the older gentleman had turned up his tv several times I got the hint. Oh,  excuse me was my working out bothering you??? Ugh, what the point? Go watch tv at home. Anyways, so I'm making chili for dinner tonight, comfort food and movies with my love. Couldn't be better. Hope you all have a good weekend, Keep Fighting the Good Fight! Love <3